05 August, 2010

On the New Frontier...Where is the Off Switch?

     Breathing deeply, I smiled in the warmth of a summer day.  Arising early for a change, I marched outside sans coffee.  No sign of rain, and only some passing clouds greeted my eyes.  I walked over and looked over my small garden.  Noting some work needed done there, I advanced it to the top of my list for the day.
     Rattling about my storage shed, after a few shin banging episodes I located all the tools of the trade.  I laughed as I carried a variety of hand tools.  Any of my colleagues seeing this would undoubtedly question my lack of using technological means to garden, plus sanity.  Laughing at the notion, I set everything down.  Besides, I mused to myself, a break from things that beep and boing always provided a chance to rest the mind.
     Grabbing a garden hoe, I set myself to work on removing weeds.  The sun warmed everything nicely, bringing a huge smile from me.  The weeds, conversely, made me frown as removing them was requiring more effort than I hoped for.  Pausing, I looked over the half of the garden I fought through.  Smiling, I noted I had managed to uncover a few onions.  Looking them over, I reached down, picking a couple.  Placing them to a clear spot, I resumed attacking weeds.
     Buzzing assaulted my ears, renewing my frown.  Hating flying insects that sting with all I am worth, I looked to see if one was in close proximity.  A quick search revealed nothing near me.  Perhaps, I thought with a smile, my usual intense hostility to such creatures scared it away.  I chuckled at this thought, checking the tomato plants near me.
     Renewed buzzing displeased me.  Slowly turning, I hoped that the contemptible insect would leave.  As a precaution, I removed my hat for the purpose of persuasion.  Being prepared never hurt, well never hurt much.
     Surprise caught me and slapped me upside the head.  No bee hovered behind me.  In its place an android of some form was just finishing it materialization.  Puzzled, I asked of it, "What may I assist you with on this lovely day?"
     "Target confirmed."
     Leaping as a blast of energy burned past me, I landed.  Wondering for everything who I annoyed for this, I shouted my frustration, "Didn't they program you the memo:  Today is a holiday!"
     A patch of weeds burned to a crisp as I managed to leap and roll out of the garden.  Landing, the android advanced tracking my movements.  Scrambling and cursing, I tripped over the hose.  Landing in a tangle, I discovered the blasted thing twisted around my feet.  Acting on impulse, I grabbed the sprayer end and drenched the android.
     One muffled boom later, the android lay smoking.  Breaking my disbelieving glare, I unwrapped the hose from my feet.  Smiling childishly, I grabbed a stick and commenced poking the thing.  Buzzing from behind prompted a groan from me.  Tensing, I turned and hosed down apparition number two.
     A pair of blades cycled up on the new threat, as water harmlessly rained on its advance.  Less than thrilled by this event, I backed up, mind racing for all I was worth.  Falling, I scooped up my shovel, hoping sword lessons might help.  Swinging, I yelled as the android buzzed the handle in half. 
     Reacting first, I threw the handle end.  Hitting true, I managed to spear the main visual sensor.  Falling to the ground, a louder boom greeted my ears.  In seconds I stood, another smoking mess before me.  Moving to it, I hurriedly commenced an inspection.  Renewed buzzing forced me from that task, as two more materialized.
     Flames licked at me as I staggered and crawled for the shed.  In seconds, I entered and exited, sprayer and spade shovel in tow.  Yelping as flames warmed the situation, I shook the sprayer vigorously.  Throwing the sprayer, I hit the ground.  Rolling over, I saw the sprayer land at the feet of the advancing androids.
     The chemicals in the sprayer reacted as advertised, impressively exploding both of my flame throwing menaces.  Springing to my feet, I hurriedly looked about me.  Realizing I could have another 'visitor' in seconds, I raced into the shed.  Buzzing intruded on my preparations, forcing a record sprint out of me.
     Skidding to a stop, I panted at the sight of three more.  Someone, I thought sourly, needs a hobby.  One not involving exterminating me.
     "Security Protocol Option 1-Beta!"  I shouted, in dire hope.
     The trio halted, confirming the theory in my head.  Looking over the collection of items laying about me, I wondered a way out of this mess.  My surprise guess would only buy me a small reprieve, rapidly expiring.
     Thought flashed by, smacking my face as it passed.  Smiling wickedly, I edged over to the second android I dropped.  Yanking the shovel handle out, I jammed in the small metal spade shovel I held.  Wincing to the sounds of high pitched interference, I smiled.  Theory solidified more, centering on nonstandard android gear and metal objects.
     Yelling from behind my shed surprised me.  Dashing around, I found a humanoid throwing gear on the ground.  Noting all sorts of fun gear scattered about, the other half of the theory solidified in my mind.  Precise control, I reminded myself, requires close monitoring.
     Walking to him, I said cheerily, "Why hello.  Let me assist you to a chair."  Grabbing the man, I dragged him to a lawn chair.  Locating a cord, I secured him firmly to said chair.  Turning, I trotted back to the spot I found him.  Rummaging through discarded devices, I located the communications and control devices. 
     Fiddling with the control device, I made my way to the three immobile androids.  Finishing a quick programming job, I secured the communication device to the back of one of the trio.  Walking over, I yanked the hand shovel out of the other one, shutting down the jamming field.  Tapping the commit button on the programming I whipped up, I ran over and hit the recall on the comm device.
    I laughed, regretting I would be unable to see the havoc caused by the reprogrammed androids.  Right this moment, I thought amusedly, a symphony of destruction occurred somewhere. 
     One more regret surfaced as I surveyed the scene.  The man I captured also teleported out, denying me the joy of asking questions.  Sighing, I gathered my tools.  Returning to the garden, I wished the recall had not scooped him up. 
     Regrettably, I could have used another pair of hands for pulling weeds.

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