"Show me Fate…and I will show you how to change the rules."
Sometimes people already know this little trick. Other times, I find myself breaking out the torches to light the way. Regardless of the situation, it amazes me at times what people accept without trying to fight and change the game.
"What am I doing wrong that guys will not stick around? Am I fated to never to be with someone?"
The words vary, but the import remains the same: The person feels like they are doomed to never be with someone. Countless times I encounter someone who feels this way, and it always turns into a head banging against wall episode.
One of my dear friends who lives quite a distance from me said something similar to me after her relationship to Michael came crashing to a halt. I talked to her extensively about the whole situation. I could sense that it had her broken up badly.
In a fit of absolute irony I said, "Dear, I understand and I know you are very hurt. Pining and the like will not help though. You are a good person, an attractive girl and one Hell of a find for any guy. Have faith dear, you will not be alone."
The last sentence elicted a laugh from my friend. She could not believe that I, an Atheist, could lecture her on faith. Laughing as well, I told her that faith meant more than just the religious variety. Becoming suddenly thoughtful on the topic, she agreed
In the end, all worked out. In the darkest of moments, her prince (Since she was always such a bloody princess.) strode into view and swept her up.
"I am not as emotionally strong as I appear."
Depending on how well the person knows me, convincing someone of this fact may require a lecture, diagrams or the oratory powers of a professional speaker. For all appearences, I am very strong. It is a cover for the fact that I am not always strong when it comes down to it.
Years and years ago, I found myself sitting outside of my house on a summer day. I was in my early teens at this moment, and depressed. At this date in history I can not remember what had caused it.
There I sat, just watching the world go by. My thoughts raced by, scarcely allowing me to even fathom what I was thinking. I felt lost and defeated, wondering where I had gone wrong. Feeling overwhelmed, I slumped in my chair.
Suddenly, my friend Jon appeared in my vision range. Sitting on his bike, his arrival startled me somewhat. I looked at him as if he was insane, for riding his bike from his house to mine was no short distance, and an uphill battle on part of the trip.
We got to talking and soon enough he realised I was not in the best of moods. I explained to him how I felt and that I could not fathom a way out. We talked for a bit, steering the conversation to other topics and the like.
Just before Jon was to continue his bike trek, I began to laugh. Puzzled by my out burst, he asked me what happened. I reminded him of something I say about Life:
"Even when at your darkest, you never know what will trigger you to snap out of it."
Sharing a laugh, Jon then took his leave. I stood for a moment, a ghost of a smile on my face.
Defying the calculator, the number of times I have had this happen or seen it happen is staggering. It is truly insane how ordered Life looks, but in Truth turns to Chaos and Insanity.
Blinking rapidly, I frowned. Logic was to no avail on this. I could see a pattern, but the pattern developed into nothing. I felt frustrated, seriously so. Walking about, I attempted to empty my thoughts. In the moment I found myself, I could ill afford clouded judgement. Well, more clouded than the norm.
An incalcuable number of moments passed away. Scanning my surroundings for time number 80 provided no fresh clues. I felt my unease return, followed by a sense that I needed to get moving.
Pacing, I attempted again to find logic in all this. Changing gears and appraoches, the search continued.
"Regrets are sometimes the worst of things to have. They may just haunt you."
So many times, in so many places, with more than just myself as the example, has this proven true. Regrets is a thing that is unavoidable in this Life. Sometimes though, regret can quite easily drive you stark, staring mad.
Standing outside the theatre, I enjoyed my cigarette. Amused greatly, I was watching the adventure that was parking cars. The location provided some parking, yet we of the technical crew for the performance found it easier to direct traffic for the shows. For the previous several performance nights, I had froze to near death helping to park; for the moment I was allowing myself to watch.
The sound of the voice calling my name made me freeze a moment. I seriously contemplated jumping the rail and running. When I turned, my eyes gave the confirmation. Laura, the last girl to bother dating me, stood before me.
I was cold and somewhat mean and I admitt to it. I had not heard from nor seen her in well over a year. Exchanging a few words, she took leave of me. After I had a chance to cool off, I realised what a bastard I had been.
Learning, again, every action has a consequence, a decision sprang from this regret. That decision would set the realist and romantic sides of me at odds.
Never again, in all my lives, for however long I lived would I attempt dating.
"I would like to think that I have made a difference to people in places along this Life."
Never in the market for praise, rewards or the like, I have freely given advice and what ever other assistance I can. I always hope that I have made a difference. I believe I do, even if the signs seeming never manifest themselves.
I went through a full day working on problems at every turn. I lost count of the number of problems I advised and talked with. At the end I found myself alone with a friend.
She said, upon my recounting of the days events, "What makes you think that you made any difference to any of those people. Or anyone ever for that matter?"
Surprise flashed across my face, At the time, this was the first that I had been asked this. Several moments passed before inspiration rode a freight train through me. Smiling, I turned to my friend.
"I have no choice, I have to believe. If I do not, then never again will I be able to do anything for anyone."
Shaking her head, conversation turned to other matters.
Realisation dawned, right before the freight train of it arrived. Everything to this moment represented the Past. All this time, the Past paraded before me.
A strange sensation surfaced. In the not so distant past, an event occurred causing me to feel as the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I frowned at this thought surfacing. What of the Future?
"You have to fight for better in your Life."
Fighting through Life is a thing I am well versed in. The list includes fighting people, stupidity, the insane and inane to just plain trying to make reason dawn. Sometimes a small push does wonders. Other times require an air strike.
I found myself talking to a young friend in the not so distant past. She was, predictably, having boy troubles. A common occurrence I remembered well enough from years past.
Her trouble centered around one guy she found herself smitten with. He however did not return the sentiment. In point of fact, he seemed inclined to drag her along, 'promising' her that he would get with her when the girl that he decided to prusue failed.
Ahh, the silliness of youth, not to menition old age. Certain things in this thing called Life never change.
So my young friend began telling me about another guy she was interested in. Things seemed to be progressing, but she was still carrying a torch for the previous boy. I found myself rolling my eyes.
In the end I wound up telling her that she deserved better. Much better. After some hemming and hawing, she did agree with me and the conversation moved on to other things.
Like I have told so many, sometimes you have to just fight. As I say, there is a Time to die, a Time to fight, a Time to turn around, walk away and wait for a better day and a Time to do nothing.
"We are each other's audience, just working on a stage, approaching the unreal."
The above is a paraphrase of part of the song Limelight by Rush, my favourite musical group. I find it to be apt in every extreme. Everyone has a part to play. The issue: What is my part in all this?
In an amusing twist on Good and Evil, Luke and I wound up playing the devil and god one night. In our travels he was offering to buy people's souls for whatever he had on hand. As a good 80% of people he offered things to accepted, I quickly found myself attempting to prevent them from accepting. I soon realised that I was failing in this department.
Switching tactics, I managed to get people their souls back from Luke. It was an odd scene to say the least. In the end, the devil(Luke) collected more souls than I could save. After that adventure I learned that parts could be played to almost anything.
The trick lay in choosing the correct one to play.
Musing and thought crashed to a halt. The last two memories played still contained the Past, yet there was an undertone of Future to them both. I frowned, realising I was still far from knowing where I was going.
Acknowledging that I am not as right as I appear, I begin to wonder.
Is there something to all this?
“Sometimes saying 'No' is the hardest thing to do in this Life.”
A shoot word, with only one real meaning. Therefore 'No' should be among the easiest of things to say. When young I thought that was the case. As I have gotten older, the opposite has become painfully obvious.
Listening to a friend, I shook my head in sadness. She had managed to get herself into a serious spot of bother. She lived far away from me (Florida), so the best I could do was to give whatever advice I could.
She explained to me the full details of what was going on. I listened and thought at a mile a minute. I stopped in my tracks suddenly as a memory of a previous conversation broke the surface.
“Samantha my dear, did you not tell me that this guy was the one you always wanted to be with?”
She responded with a simple yes. I frowned on my end of the phone a moment, before asking the following:
“So why don't you just tell him that this isn't working.”
Her explanation of this guy being her kryptonite, didn't sit well with me. I just couldn't understand why she couldn't tell him no. It would not be until much later that I learned that saying no was not such an easy thing.
Simple as the word 'No' is, some things just can not be denied. Emotion being tops on the list.
“Why don't you ever react to anything? Are you that emotionless?”
The truth of it is that I rarely react to anything at all. Mostly this causes people who know me not to pass the wrong judgment. Cold, heartless, uncaring number as but a few of the descriptions used on me in those cases. My lack of reaction comes from a different source. I blame it on Sherlock Holmes from when I was a kid.
My girlfriend at the time Danielle, her friend Danielle, myself and the other Danielle's boyfriend Scoot were having a good old time. Hanging out at Scott's trailer, we just laughed and talked our way through a summer evening.
Scott answered the phone in the middle of this. When he turned from hanging up, I saw instantly that trouble had called. He informed us that the people who had beaten him and his roommate up several days previous called to say they were coming over again.
The scene: Scott's trailer. The people: Scott, completely shocked and worried. His Danielle, running around like crazy, also at a loss. My Danielle, in tears and frozen. Myself, calmly issuing orders and getting people moving.
At one point, my Danielle looks at me as I am taking a cig from her pack. She says to me past the tears, “Aren't you scared?'
My reply as I light the cig is a simple one. “I do not have time to be scared. Now please get your stuff.”
The last memory caused my eyes to pop open. It seemed an odd thought to have flow through in the middle of all this. Why would an example of my lack of fear be brought to light, when I find myself in a situation that is making me reconsider the notion of being afraid.
I found my mind springing into action suddenly. Maybe, just maybe, something, some where is attempting to communicate something to me.